“I still love you”: the old letter
ESTIMATED READING TIME: 2 MINUTES, 52 SECONDS
That was your smile when you passed me. I still see today: your bright white teeth, the few seconds you look in my eyes. I still remember what my girlfriend looked like. “Wow, but he wants to know”. There was a short electric shock all over my body. And it’s always Hollywood kitsch when I think about love at first sight.
Everything that came later was ready to be published. I was so crazy about you that I could eat and sleep. My pulse was racing before every meeting. I didn’t care if we could see each other this weekend and say goodbye every Sunday. I didn’t pay any attention to you going to study or homework, and we broke up. I have no doubt about your love. Even when you say three magical words in just two months. I already felt it on our first date.
Half a year later, I moved in with you, and we had no worries that neither of us would work. In fact, in many ways, this is what happened: I just knew I had to worry about. Maybe that’s why our love came to me naturally at some point. For me, “one” was you. I knew I wanted to marry you and have a baby with you. You’ve stopped my hand twice implicitly, but it’s not pronounced. I still have a ring with a “forever” engraving.
I almost told him that the carved expression was a lie, but no. Somehow he still agrees. I just felt different one day when you told me that you loved only 70% (is there a formula for that?) And I want to get away. It was your Plan, B, and he didn’t involve me.
He came suddenly and unexpectedly, and he gathered under my feet. Until the summer of 2013, I didn’t know how many tears I was. They didn’t want to stop. I just spent the night in the bathroom on the carpet, and I didn’t want to get up for days. A life without you, six years later, what happens? My small, healthy world has completely collapsed from one day to another. You’re completely cold.
Then I found out that you started barking with anabolic steroids and that you no longer master your senses. Afraid of failing professionally. Fear of not offering me anything. But why? It didn’t matter to me. You’re important to me! When we were supposed to be there for each other, you didn’t give me a chance, and you pulled out of Dick. You gave up and when I moved, I just woke up. After months of silence, ignoring, every day is hell.
I thought I couldn’t survive that. The pain was so great that it almost tore me apart. I didn’t know worse: without or without knowing that you would regret our relationship. First of all, it was clear to each other since the first day we were aiming. “You Were, you’il always be.” When you realized you’d lost me.
It’s been three years since then
It’s been three years since. They were tough. You’re the father now. That was harder. It took a long time to process them all. I’m not purposely saying “to upset you” or “to forget you”. I don’t want that never. You’il always be part of me. And I know you feel the same way. Otherwise, we didn’t write every week or make a phone call. We still don’t share that much, whether it’s positive or negative.
I still love you. And I’m not afraid to say it. Why? Because I know you’re gonna answer with “me too.”